Hey dude, it’s cool to catch up with you. What have you been up to?
Just writing stuff. We’re working on the next record already. We wrote some of that stuff like 20 years ago. The label gave us a warning already. The go, “Look, we know it took you a long time to do this last record so start on the next one. Now!” The contract’s not even up for the first one yet and they’re already telling us to start writing. We’re just going crazy. I went and saw Avatar last night. I thought, “Fuck! I’d like to have sex with an alien!” So I’m gonna write a song about fucking aliens. I’m not kiddin’ dude!
You guys have been – and are – a staple on the Sunset Strip. Could it happen anywhere else in the world as well as it does in Los Angeles?
I don’t know. Usually in America – New York, LA and Chicago are usually cutting edge when it comes to technology and music and stuff. When it comes to heavy metal, there’s no cutting edge. Everybody misses it! We could have done it anywhere but to do it where it started for us has been a dream come true. We’ve been here for a long time trying to make it. I’ve quit this band several times to do other stuff. I did a Van Halen band for a long time. The only thing I really love doing is heavy metal. Our own brand of heavy metal. It’s cool.
Some people only look at it as a comedy record, but it’s honestly one of the most rockin’ CDs I’ve heard in a while.
We got #1 Comedy Record in Billboard Magazine for three weeks straight. You know what? I’ll take a #1 any way it comes. A lot of people do look at our lifestyle and think it’s a joke. It may be funny – but for me the ultimate heavy metal band is Van Halen. They’re the godfathers of metal. Dave was funny. Eddie was amazing on the guitar. The music was killer. That’s what we’re all about: having a good time and partying.
One of my favorite Roth quotes is “Rock n roll isn’t so much about loud guitars as it is striped pants.” You guys are definitely pulling it off better than a lot of bands who are serious – not to take anything away from what you’re doing.
No, I appreciate that and I totally get what you’re saying. I’ve gotta be honest with ya. That’s what happened with Van Halen. They lost their vision and they ended up with fuckin’ Sammy Hagar singing for ‘em. If I don’t have Satchel jamming next to me, the amount of bitches I could pull my pants down for lessens. We’re stronger together as a unit than we are separate.
And you’ll definitely get more chicks.
It is about just girls but it’s also about property, prestige and money. Who doesn’t want to have a killer car, a hot pad and a bunch of hot bitches?
Like Stephen Pearcy always said, rock ‘n roll is about the three P’s: the pussy, the party and the paycheck.
Yeah! And Stephen Pearcy’s last name starts with a P! Think about that one! He’s right. He’s not lying either. I know that guy. I’ve studied him because I’m a Ratt fan and that guy’s not lying when he talks about the three P’s.
So let’s go back a few years. How did a young Michael Starr know that heavy metal was his life’s calling?
I gotta tell ya. I’ll never forget. I was in the car with my dad and we were going to get some pizza. We were driving down Western Avenue in Chicago. This chick pulls up next to my dad. I’m in the back in a booster seat. She’s jamming to Aerosmith, right? My dad looks at her and I could totally tell he was into it. She turned around, looks at my dad and flashed her titties to him. I put that together. My dad was so happy all day. I’ve always remembered that Aerosmith + titties = happy! This is killer! I love metal!
Who are some of the bands you were totally into when you were younger?
Aerosmith. I was totally into Black Sabbath and the Scorpions. I would have to say the Scorpions and Van Halen were the turning point for me in heavy metal.
What was so different with those bands?
That Scorpions album Animal Magnetism was totally killer. My brother was in a band. He’s older than me. He turned me onto that stuff. I used to sneak over to his room, steal his cocaine and listen to it. I am not kidding. Jesse, I’m serious. I really got into it man. I loved their sound. I think the Scorpions were way ahead of their time. Their guitar player Matthias is fucking great. Him and Michael Schenker were two of my favorite guitar players back then.
At what point did you realize you wanted to be a singer in a metal band?
I think when I was about 10. I decided at that point that I really wanted to be in a band. In ‘79 my parents broke up and we ended up moving from Chicago to Los Angeles. That’s when I really knew. I was bored and didn’t know what to do with myself. I started jamming in my room. I put up a mirror and started honing my craft. I played guitar and I would sing along to Van Halen records and look in the mirror. It’s really important if you’re a new, up and coming musician to get a mirror. Get your guitar or your mic and start singing in the mirror and see what looks cool and what doesn’t. I did that for years. The mirror is great training for heavy metal. Now that I think about it. I think I just knew from the get-go. I was always attracted to metal. And cocaine.
When you’re that young I’m sure you heard “Don’t go screwin’ the skanky hos or you’re gonna catch VD.”
My momma taught me young dude. Actually, Satchel wrote that song about his relationship with his mom. He asked “What do I do?” And his mom told him what’s up. He was able to put it into words and write a song. I’ll tell you what dude. Satchel is one of the most prolific songwriters I’ve ever met in my entire life. The guy can write a song in like, eight months. The guy is so fast.
Damn, dude. You’re lucky you’ve already started writing the next record!
I’m working on a song called “Steel Panther” right now. I want it be like our anthem song.
You have any lyrics yet you wanna share?
“We got nine lives cuz cat’s don’t die, we’re taking over the world. We’re Steel Panther!” Something like that. It’s still in the infancy stages. I just started with the music and I’m really focusing on double-kick and some bitchin’ guitars. It sounds killer.
In all sincerity, those songs are so fucking funny, dude. How long did it take you to sing those and keep a straight face?
For some reason – some of that stuff I can’t believe we’re even singing. It’s so fucking funny! We’ll be in the studio cutting tracks and everything we sing about – and I’m being serious – everything comes from personal experience. We just have the ability to put a twist on it and make in entertaining and funny for the audience. Singing “Asian Hooker” in Japan in front of 15,000 asian people was the highlight of my career! We were working on the setlist before we went on Stixx said, “Let’s open up with ‘Asian Hooker.’” Yeah, that’s cool if you’re the drummer but I’ve got to sing the fuckin’ words! Satchel said, “Fuck it! They’re gonna love it.” We just went for it. You can actually see footage from that Japanese show on our MySpace page.
And those clips are killer. The production, the set – you guys really pull those songs off live. I would lose my shit trying to sing those lyrics in front of people, but nothing melts a chick like them hearing “I want to squirt my baby gravy all over your face!”
Jesse, if you’re going on a date and you want to know if you’re gonna dig this girl – here’s all you have to do. Take her out to dinner and afterwards pop in the CD. If she listens to the whole thing, she’s your girl. You’ll probably be fucking her after you listen to it.
Or maybe while we listen to it.
You never know! You might just make it through “Death To All But Metal” before she starts sucking your dick!
Now this is a very serious question. You guys have played all over the world. Which city has the hottest chicks?
They all vary. And each city is different. You might think that Florida and Texas always has the hottest chicks. That’s what I’ve always heard. Yeah, I’ve been there and there are hot chicks. Dude, there are hot chicks everywhere in this world. You just have to know where to find ‘em and how to get ‘em.
And how to get rid of ‘em…
That’s easy. You just get on the bus and go to another town! The last time we were in London there was a lot of hot chicks there. There’s a lot of hot chicks in LA, too!
Looking back – and not saying that you would’ve ever done this – did you know anybody that would bag a fat chick just because they knew they’d have food for the next month or so?
My first experience with a fat chick, I was about 13 or 14. My friend and I just got hammered. This chick was just following us around. We were at the park and I kinda remember – I don’t know what alcohol does – but she became sexy, man. I started making out with her and it was just totally killer. And she was totally on her period. I still fucked her! I’m not kidding. At that point, it doesn’t matter. She was always there whenever we needed her for that. Always. You can’t beat that. Super, super hot chicks are hard to talk to because they never really developed a personality. With a fat chick it’s easy. You throw ‘em some food, they’re happy and you fuck ‘em!
Fat chicks usually will work a little harder since they have more to prove than some skinny girl.
yeah, you think a super hot chick is gonna be rubbing your back? Nope. Not unless her dad beat her when she was younger.
Image is just as important as the music in your line of work. What do you do to stay in shape and master your look?
I go to the gym about two or three times a week. I drink a lot of water. The mistake a lot of guys make is they drink a lot of beer and they eat pizza and a lot of bread-y food. Then when you do blow it won’t get you skinny anymore. I just drink a lot of water and stay away from beer and sweet drinks. That way I can maintain at least what I had when I was 35. It does take some effort. There’s no secret. If you keep doing blow every single day, you’re going to look like shit eventually. You just have to do it moderately. Maybe one 8-ball a week.k
Let’s go back to David Lee Roth for a second. I know you have personally received some verification and confirmation from David himself, right?
Imagine that. I’ll never forget having dinner with him. I was in a Van Halen tribute band called Atomic Punks for years. He actually stole our guitar player at the time. That guitar player and I are huge Van Halen fans and he set up a dinner at the Rainbow so I could meet David Lee Roth. He sat right across from me and it was a dream come true. He said to me, “You sing just like me. It’s amazing! You’re off key in every chorus!” Dave is totally “on” all the time. David Lee Roth is Steel Panther. He is the essence of the band. Look at his old videos! That’s what we’re all about. Having a great time. Being funny.
Let’s say somebody was planning a trip to LA and Steel Panther was on their agenda. How would you plan out the schedule for the day of the show?
If it’s your first time in southern California, I would definitely go to Venice Beach and just check it out. That’s pretty cool. If you’re staying in Hollywood, great. I would cruise up and down the Strip. I would cruise up Santa Monica Boulevard checking out all the gay people. I wouldn’t go to Universal Studios. You want to save your legs for the show. Then I’d go to the Body Shop. Then head down to the Rainbow and get a late-night dinner before the show. You need to experience the Rainbow but then you want to have the right nutrition so you can fuckin’ get hammered and stay up all night. Go to the House of Blues, park your car in the $5 VIP area – which is cheap – and cruise on in.
So aside from your regular gigs every week, what is touring looking like?
We’re going back to Vancouver in a couple of weeks. We’re going to Toronto, Calgary. Then we go to Europe. We’ll be doing Germany, Sweden and Belfast and Belgium. Then we’ll be going to Australia for a few dates. We’re not getting any airplay out here right now so we just keep pushing and pushing. We’re also in development for a show on Comedy Central. It’s basically a reality show about the band. That will hopefully bring a lot more attention to the band.
Dude, thanks for taking time out for this today. What would you like to say to everybody?
First of all, if you bought the record I really appreciate it. If you like it, that’s fucking great. If you don’t like it, do me a favor. Take the CD and just throw it in the fucking trash. Put it in the recycling bin so the trash guy can listen to it. If you’re on the fence about heavy metal just come to one of our shows and you’ll be hopping off the fence!
