Hey, I’m looking for Mr. Oderus, please.
Oderus? Oderus who?
You know, that fucker from Gwar!
Oh, me! Who the hell is this? Jesse listen. I’m here in the practice cave. Let me shift my locale here to the interview cave. Hang on!
OK, you’ve got Oderus here and I’ve got Brockie tied up on the nipple wheel. If we ever need to ask him something we’ll just stab him in the ribs and see what he says.
Where can I get a nipple wheel? I’ve got a couple of chicks over here that would probably dig that.
We will be selling nipple wheels on the tour. They won’t be exactly like the Gwar nipple wheels we have at home cuz our nipples are just so big. The human size Nipple Wheel will be on sale at the merchandise booth. They are adjustable to fit different sizes.
Some lonely dude won’t end up with one of those stuck around his dick will he?
Nipples, whatever. The human race used to have eyes where their nipples are. (HUGE belch!) That’s completely irrelevant. Let’s get on with this!
Ok, dude. Tell me about the new record, War Party.
Well, it’s fuckin’ awesome. It’s heavy as shit and it’s a bloody sword pointed at the anus of society. I mean, Gwar – with their many different masterful albums and releases over the years – has embraced every style of human music. We’ve run the gamut, if you will. We always knew that our strongest mutation was with our roots, the roots of searing, blistering, metal mayhem. With the last record we kinda went back to the thing that makes Gwar great. Playing really fucking heavy, brutal, punk metal misery and slaying people by the thousands – all for our entertainment pleasure. We wanted to keep that going on the new album and also infuse it with a sense of hatred and disdain for this entire ridiculous political process that you humans seem to indulge in to pick your ridiculous leaders. We’ve set ourselves up with a new political movement…the War Party. It will ally Al Queda, the Republicans, the Black Panthers – if such a thing still exists, the Ku Klux Klan, and the PLO. We shall all get together. We’ll bribe the world leaders with malt liquor and free crack and distribute nuclear weapons and then the entire human race will expire in one great sweeping fireball of nuclear confusion. Basically, what we’re trying to do is get the human race to help us achieve our most treasured goal: the destruction of the human race and the planet Earth!
I thought you created the human race! Why destroy us all?
Yes, we did! We created you by fucking various animals. You can usually tell which animal you’re related to just by looking in the mirror. That was a mistake. We had no idea the humans would start breeding so frequently. When the Master froze us for millions of years in Antarctica, the human race took over the fucking planet. We’re pissed about that! This is OUR planet! You human beings are imperfect. You’re kinda like a retarded child. It has to be beaten in order to even spell it’s name backwards. As much of the human race is imperfect, I must say that there are some things you can give us. Like the way we split your chest open, all the colors come out. We do enjoy that. Am I talking too much?
No, sir. Or…what are you?
Ma’am. I don’t know what I am. I’m omnisexual. I’ll tell you one thing. The guys in the band made a bet with me on this tour. Beefcake bet me 1,000 baby nipples that I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants for the entire set. I’m gonna take him up on that offer. I’m going to wrap the cuddlefish of Kuthulu up in a torture harness and I’m gonna try to avoid blowing loads. At least until the very end of the show, anyway. I’m trying to abstain myself from my usual sexual heroics. Quite frankly, my penis was getting in the way of killing things.
Just be careful not to get a big set of blue Oderus balls!
It will be like several kegs wrapped in camoflauge netting! I’m a little worried that when I finally do achieve orgasm I might wash away half the planet. That would probably be a good thing. Ahhh…A river runs through it! The only reason I’m putting these harness bolts through my swelling, steaming, horned protuberance is so I can actually have a better orgasm later. If you’ve noticed, if you masturbate more than 20 times a day it usually is just a little bloody trickle. If you wait, like five minutes, you can have more than three molecules.
Just don’t completely cut off your circulation or you’ll end up like Michael Hutchence from INXS. You don’t wanna kill yourself just to get a load out.
He got to fuck that Kate Moss chick. He gets to fuck supermodels and he’d rather strangle himself from a hotel doorknob! Sounds like something I’d do.
I heard Gor-Gor is running for President in this upcoming election.
That is a misquote. That is not true. Gor-Gor is not running for President. I’m the fucking President. In fact, there is no goddam President. It is just Gwar taking over. I am the overlord. I rule the War Party. This election will have politicians crucified and slayed. We’ll write a new constitution written in excrement on the slayed skin of the congressmen we’re killing right now. Gor-Gor wanted to be president, but I wanted it so I kinda put my sword through his head!
You’re political platform is just basically blowing everybody the fuck up and start over, right?
One of the nicest things about the War Party platform is the way that the platform collapses into the audience, killing millions. We’ve got some very strong political views. We believe that…we support same-sex marriages for animals. That’s just something that we need to do something about. We need to continue the Crack For Guns program and clean up the ghettos. We also support abortion, as long as you can do it yourself.
You should win with a bloody landslide.
That is if there was any kind of competition. Since I’ve merely declared myself the victor…
Have you officially rooted any chicks out of the band?
Yes, we did. We didn’t really kick ‘em out. Slymenstra isn’t gonna actually get kicked out of anywhere. We just lie to her about where we are.
That’s what you’re supposed to do to women. That’s what I do.
(laughs) A couple of years ago we were getting ready to do the Violence Has Arrived tour. The album was so testosterone charged. We really wanted to do the all-male version of Gwar and stress the brutality. I hate to say it, but sometimes Slymenstra is a little bit “hippieish” for my taste. She’s off doing her other things. I believe she has the Girlie Freak Show where she routinely drives nails through little boys’ genitalia. She’s in Hollywood being a big movie star or whatever. Gwar is keeping it real, playing heavy metal and lopping off heads. It is the Boy’s Club version. Not that we don’t like women to come to the set. We love women to come…We love women to come to the shows. We love our groupies. I love to eat pussy. I mean, really eat pussy.
So what kinda chick do you like the best?
Hmmmm. Pimples are a must. I have to say, let’s see. Elephantitis is good. Especially in the gonads. Yes, I like women with gonads, if possible. Inverted uvulas, scales, lost vibrators is something else I like. An extensive collection of pet hamsters is something else I look for in a woman. It helps a lot if she’s my mom.
Look at the girls on Rock Confidential. There’s a bunch on there so just pick out who you want and I’ll send ‘em to the show.
You think I could maybe pick my favorite piece from each of them and then maybe sew them all together?
We’ll do it. We won’t even ask. We’ll just show up at their houses!
I need a multi-limbed, filthy, heaping sex hag with eighteen different vaginas. I came up with a funny joke. You wanna hear it? What’s an Irish pizza? When a leprechaun throws up on a manhole cover!
Oooh. I don’t know man.
Not very funny, huh? Dammit! I’m just not funny! Dammit! I’ll work on it a little more. Maybe I’ll have to resurrect Rodney Dangerfield. He could be my speech coach on this upcoming tour.
You better get him while he’s still kinda fresh.
OK…I’ve got another one for ya. How did Timothy McVeigh kill a million people a night before he was executed? He masturbated onto the floor of his cell! You gotta admit, that was a little better.
It was a little funnier. It’s a good progression from the last one.
Let’s get back to your questions or this damn interview will go on all week!
OK, you asked for it. What’s it like for Gwar to be on the same record label as Edwin McCain?
Who is that? I have no idea who that is. I have no idea we’re even on a record label! I just walk around. People point microphones at me, they point cameras at me. The next thing I know I’ve sold a million units at Tower. Do I get a penny of it? No! Every morning a truck arrives and delivers a nine-ton crack boulder.
What more do you want?
We still haven’t destroyed the human race. We’ve never toured Japan. We have yet to make a full-length Gwar movie and there hasn’t been a Gwar video game so FUCK, there’s still a helluva lot to do.
Since you created the human race, would you please explain the purpose of dumbshits like Eddie Vedder and Dave Matthews!?
Well, that’s just…I guess we fucked the wrong animals. In order to create something like Eddie Vedder we had to fuck an unemployed, homeless orangutan. I’m not really sure. These human beings, once they get to a point where they’re out of Gwar’s reach, they start to do things of their own accord and desire. Sometimes these people wanna be mumbly, mealy mouthed, Seattle-based grunge rockers who should have a bullet put through their heads. Or at least a cattle prod shoved up their ass. Sometimes they wanna become these horribly, jangly, plicky-plucky, pseudo-hippie fag bands from Charlottesville, Virginia. They make us really wanna get back out on the fucking road and just kill everything we can get our hands on. Look at what’s happened to music today. It’s fucking shit. The only thing we can do is get out there, kill everyone and start over again.
Those guys could also be jealous of how big your dick is, too. That would explain their depression.
I think a lot of bands who have been out there for a while, our supposed peers who dis Gwar regularly because they’re terrified of us, as they get older and balder and fatter and disgusting where it just looks retarded for them to be shaking their asses around – Gwar will be getting old and getting fat and getting pimples all over them. You know what? That helps us. Our fans love it when my ass gets big and fat and covered with pimples. I will be blowing pimple puss 1,000 years longer than any of these Eddie Vedder goddam shitheads. Eddie Vedder’s not even a good example any more. The shit I hate is all this heavy music, nu-metal, scary clown band crap! It’s heavy, yeah. What the fuck is that music about? It has no fucking meaning. It has no satire. It has no irony. It has no wit. It’s just one-dimensional we’re heavy. So what! So is a fuckin’ dumpster full of used Kotexes. It doesn’t make it worthwile. I’ll fucking listen to a band and they sound good, they sound heavy, they’ve got killer drums, killer guitar, the vocals sound awesome. Then I’ll listen to what the singer is talking about, or even worse I’ll read an interview with ‘em, and it’s like FORGET IT! These corporate clowns…that’s the best way I can talk about my supposed peers. They get nothing but disdain and hatred from me. And, of course, jealousy because they sell way more records than I do. Where the hell are you calling from anyway?
Knoxville, Tennessee. I actually grew up in Virginia, which my sources tell me there is a homebase for Gwar somewhere around Richmond.
The whole planet is honeycombed with tunnels. Yes, we do have a sub-terrainian pit somewhere around Richmond. I believe some of the elite Gwar slaves busy themselves hulking away on our Gwar war machine. Richmond is known for it’s excellent crack so we have to go there a lot.
I’ve got to know about the tour coming up. What can we expect from this round?
It’s gonna be a vicious sight. The last tour was pretty much a display of our dominance of this planet. We just went out there and killed all kinds of shit. Gor-Gor came out at the end and we killed him, too. This year we’re gonna be doing all of that and sacrificing many humans that want to be tortured and murdered. They will. I’m not going to let the cock out of the bag here but I can guarantee we’ll have some of the best victims yet. Beyond that and the incredible music that we’ll be playing and the incredibly awesome Gwar Party, we’ll be ripping everyone’s head off with this next chapter in Gwar’s grotesque and twisted history. Besides all of that, I’ve heard rumors that the boys in the Pentagon have cooked up a little surprise. A little blast from the past, if you will, to challenge Gwar’s mastery of the planet. Well, they’re fucked! Anything they send against me and my brothers in death will be reduced to broken bits of metal and confined to the garbage heap of history. I look for this year to have all the things that make Gwar great. Incredibly loud music, beautiful death, beautiful hate and suffering, blood spewing at all directions, diarrhea flying thick as thieves. Beyond that, supernuclear powered goverment agencies coming to the show and actually trying to physically stop Gwar from playing our music. We will need our fans to rise with us against the opressive overlords! We shall crush their New World Order once and for all and then our fans will be rewarded with an agonizing death!
I’m depressed now, man. I plan on showing up for the savagery but is sounds like I’ll end up dead! I guess you’re just fulfilling your prophecy. Kinda like the coming of the anti-christ.
Well, ya know. We’re offering our service to our fans. It’s the Gwar Resurrection Club. You can come to the show and get reduced to pulp and then I’ll hit you with my new magic all-eye and it resurrects your body and you can come to the show the next day and die again!
It’s life after death! I’ll be born again!
Yeah. Basically you get a card and you punch in at each show, depending on how much you spend.
Well, I appreciate you taking time out of your busy slaying and jacking-off schedule…
Oh yeah…There’s at least 1,000 babies here to rape. Actually, let me tell you what we’re doing right now. We’re practicing! I know a lot of our fans got a little confused there for a while. So did we! Now that we’re back to playing fucking metal, we’re back to just tearing the shit out of our new music. There’s a new vigor. There’s a new energy. There’s a new fury about this band. It is the leanest, meanest, loudest, most aggressive fucking bad-ass version of Gwar there ever has been. We’re just looking forward so much to laying your filthy continent to waste!
What’s the closing remarks for the Gwar State Of The Union?
Gwar is eternal! When you’re long dead Gwar will be carrying on well into the next century and beyond. Gwar is immortal and our music is such. Heavy metal is the most important kind of music created since symphony music. The stage is set for centuries of carnage!